November should have been such a happy month in our household!

It is Emma’s birthday and she will be turning 5, which means it is time for me to start looking for deals on booster car seats((I found a good range on Tesco Direct).
Today, Georgie should have been nine months too.

At five, Emma gets to move into a “big girl” car seat, which she has been looking forward to forever!
At nine months Georgie would have progressed in to his toddler car seat, the group 1, front facing, easier to make eye contact with mummy one.

I have been pretty good at avoiding things that make my heart sore.

I have found myself avoiding baby clothing websites and nappy aisles as soon as he passed away. But the car seat remains a landmark in my mind, seared in my memory.

Emma gets to move on, as any child should naturally do. She has grown so fast over the summer and fits well into 5 to 6 year old clothes and shoes.
Georgie should have been here now too. He should have grown into the next car seat, the one I have lovingly kept and had ready for him. He should have progressed, developed, evolved and not remain at a forever 5 and a half months mark.

It grates at me, like a million other small but significant details, milestones, dates, reminders.
It makes me happy, hopeful, sad and angry and at the same time, seeing Emma grow and develop into such a little madam and knowing that the memories I have of Georgie will be forever static, forever the same.

It is one of those things I will have to learn to live with, I suppose. Not having my baby here comes a web of ramifications and a million of stings and reminders: nappy aisles, car seats, unused toys, clothes he will never grow into and holidays he will never enjoy are only a few things that are still hard, so very hard to get my head around.

I choose to go on living for Emma’s sake, I choose to enjoy living because of my surviving child but part of my heart will stay forever bruised, forever sore because a beautiful baby boy is not here to do the very same.

Disclaimer: we were offered a small incentive in order to mention Tesco in the post. I am not selling my grief, I am trying to live with what has been handed to us.