This summer it has become obvious to me that our lives have been altered beyond recognition by the loss of our son.
Like with any trauma, the first few months after Georgie died were a living nightmare.We had no energy for anything, we argued a lot, we raged at the world and at God and clung desperately to the hope that one day the pain would not be suffocating and all encompassing, feeling terribly guilty at the same time for wanting to emerge from that cloud of memories, as that was the only place where our son was still “alive” to us.
Our first Christmas without Georgie, the Christmas of 2014 and the one we should have celebrated as a complete and perfectly balanced family of 4, was for me the closest I had come in my entire life to mental collapse. I could not see the sense of any of it. Not the sense in Christmas, as what is Christmas if not the ultimate opportunity to celebrate life, joy and enjoy your offspring and shower them with love and presents? Not the sense in life.
Out of despair, Alex bundled us all in the car and took us on a trip that proved to be life-changing. We realised that our pain subsides when counteracted with enjoyable distractions like traveling to new places and seeing new things.
Traveling became our mantra in the New Year. Traveling has been our escape and our rescue, in equal measure.
We have seen more of Ireland in the last six months than we had seen in the previous 7 years we had been married.
We have seen more of Greece in the past two months than most Greeks see in a lifetime.
Traveling allowed me the luxury of pondering, on ruminating, of revelations and changing perspectives.
Traveling does that to you, for unknown reasons.
It has allowed me the space and the time to realise and accept many truths that were bubbling under the surface.
And this is what I am and what I know now:
- although on the surface we may seem to have returned to “normality”, just like in the picture above, our lives run parallel to non-bereaved people’s lives. People do look into our lives and have the impression that they understand or try to sympathise. We, on the other hand, look into “normal” people’s lives wishfully, wanting we could return to the other edge of life, where death is only a concept and suffering a fear which hasn’t materialised.
- acceptance is the key to survival. I have come to accept God and people for what they are. I do not agree with everyone and I do not understand how God functions, thinks and can suffer all this pain without intervening, but I cannot change any of it.
- deep human connection is what we crave for now and we are grateful to each and every one of you who is still in our lives, after all these months. It takes guts to be able to watch suffering and not offer solutions. It takes courage to watch so much desolation and refrain from spiritualising, from trying to find answers or meaning to our loss. Thank you to you all who still mention our son to us, who still tear up or smile when his name comes up, who still hug and listen. You are the light that shines in the darkness for us.
- we carry on. Not because we are brave. Not because we have made it a mission to survive the tsunami of loss and pain. Not because we want to give meaning to the most meaningless death there can be on earth, that of a beloved son and of a tiny infant in the cruelest of ways. We carry on simply because we have come to realise that there is still so much beauty in this world that needs discovered and revealed.
This is such an emotional post, I am so glad you have found a way to keep going and rediscover life. x
I’m glad you’ve found a way to reconnect and to cope. I can’t imagine how tough this past year must have been x
I was once told by a wise person that you go on as you have no other choice when you have a child. That you need to learn to live again, but in a different way. A changed you on a changed path
Oana you have such a way with words, you express everything so well. I cannot imagine how hard the last year has been for you, or how hard life will continue to be with your precious Georgie gone. I am glad that you have found something that helps you through and gives you a way to escape. I am very sorry to hear of your mental struggles, something that is completely understandable after all that you have been through. I follow a charity on facebook that was set up by a bereaved mummy who has also suffered greatly with her mental health since the loss of her child. She has recently started a blog, maybe it would in some small way encourage you to have hope for the future xx I will attach the link
Oana that is so beautiful. It really is. You have come so far, and I think acceptance is so much more than you suggest. You have accepted that it will never be the same again, and that you can carry on and see the beauty that is here xx
The parallel life is so, so true. You do find you spend hours just looking at other people and wishing you had their innocence back xxx
Oana you express yourself beautifully. I’m glad that you are seeking refuge in each other, and that travel is helping you. xx
I can only begin to imagine the pain that you have gone through (and still are) and I’m so sorry your gorgeous little man didn’t get to stay with you but I am so pleased you have found a way forward to see the beauty that still exists in life. HUGS xx
Such an emotional post and my heart really does go out to you. I am so pleased that you have managed to find refugee if travel and those around you. xx
I meant refuge x
This is such an emotional post, I am so glad you have found a way to keep going x
Such a beautifully emotional piece, I am so glad you can find some peace in this sad story xxxx
I’d not really thought of travel as helping with a loss before, but I can see it might in a way and it can help you build a different life. x
Oh Oana, what a beautiful post.
You’ve found a way to carry on and find strength you didn’t know you had and although I can’t imagine the pain you must feel, I’m pleased that you’ve found some peace. x x
Beautiful words .
Travels feeds the soul x
I am happy you have some peace.
Always here for you
I’m pleased travelling has helped you. It’s funny what you say about traveling it’s absolutely true. Love and strength to you both x
Very brave to share this post, you will not be the only one out there feeling this way and who knows who you may have helped to see the light in the distance just by sharing your experience 🙂