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Word for the New Year: HOPE

Published by Oana

I wrote a similar post last year. I don’t remember the word I chose for this year but in retrospect, it should have been sorrow.

We had the most difficult year of our lives. Losing homes? Going bankrupt? Moving countries or counties? Falling off with family or friends?

Nothing, nothing, nothing compares with the pain of losing a child.

It is gut-wretching. It is soul destroying. It is heart numbing.

It is not natural. How can it be? A new baby equals new beginnings. Life at its best.

How can our minds reconcile the idea of a new baby with cancer?

Old people die of cancer. People who abuse substances die of cancer. People who don’t watch their diets and who eat crap die of cancer. Not five month old babies. Not sweet, innocent beings whose sole desire is to be with their mamas. Whose souls radiate joy and peace and everything that is good and perfect about life.

Only, it has happened. To us. Normal and the most ordinary of families.

The sorrow we feel cannot be described in words.

In retrospect, I am so glad we didn’t know what was ahead of us. I look at myself 11 months back and I think: “Ignorance was bliss.” 11 months ago I was so ready to have my baby. 11 months ago I knew nothing about cancer. 11 months ago I was as innocent as innocent can be when it comes to pain and sorrow.

So for the new year and in 11 months from now, what do I hope to have?

Peace.

Peace over what has happened to my boy.

Acceptance. Coming to terms. This is what happened. It sucks. Completely. It is f…unfair. But it happened and I cannot change it. I cannot live in it, in the devastation land. In the pain land. In the sorrow land.

I need to leave it for the next step.

HOPE.

Destination for 2015?

HOPE land.

Hoping in some sort of healing of our hearts and horrible memories of Georgie’s suffering.

Hoping for restauration. Of our faith in God. In goodness. In humanity.

Hoping for a return. A return of joy. A return of what has been lost.

Not my baby, my baby cannot come back.

But the return of innocence. The return of the desire to live. The return of dreams. The return of “what the locusts have eaten.”

HOPE.

I miss you, sweet boy.

I HOPE you are well and truly happy there. I hope to see you soon. I hope you don’t miss us too much. But I hope you remember us. I hope time will not delete the memories of your sweet spirit, your giggles and your beauty from the minds of those who have met you, even briefly. I hope Jesus tells you about our tears and our longing for you. And I hope they don’t make you sad but they make you feel loved.

You are so loved! You have been so wanted. And we continue to want your presence with us. We will, in some shape or form, until the day we will see you again.

New Year’s Resolutions as a bereaved parent

Published by Oana

Other mummy bloggers have started putting their New Year resolutions’ lists up already. And that got me thinking. (You know that book, “Little Owls” by Martin Waddell and the recurrent line in it, “all owls think a lot“? Yeah, that is me also, especially in the wee hours of the morning.)

So, I thought, what would a New Year’s resolutions list look for me, as a bereaved mummy?

Here is what I came up with. If you are a bereaved parent, please do feel free to add to this list whatever I may have left out.

1. Enjoy every moment, the best I can.

Some days that may mean acknowledging the fact that I am feeling wrecked emotionally and having pizza for dinner. Some other days, it may mean venturing out for a walk and enjoying the nice weather. Some other days, it may mean cuddling in bed after school and watching movies with Emma and giving my body permission to rest and heal. Emma is a great example to me in this, just like Georgie was. Children know instinctively how to savour every moment and if I am to continue to honour his memory and build him a legacy, I will do it in this way as well.

Enjoying a impromptu moment of dancing at the Christmas party yesterday. Seizing the moment, what an inspiration!

2. Make another gorgeous Papaconstantinou baby.

He or she will not be a replacement of Georgie, we very well know that. But he or she will be like a soothing balm for our aching hearts. Joy, comfort and the opportunity to overspill our love tanks, once again. A new beginning. Hope.

If I get pregnant again, I do hope I will be able to enjoy the pregnancy and the newborn days without obsessing incessantly over the new baby’s safety in the womb, safe arrival and health.

Is will be a very hard one for me, but if I don’t allow myself to enjoy it, I would rather not do it at all.

3. Continue to pursue my well being by attending counselling, continuing on antidepressants and taking any treats offered to me and meant to help my emotions and my body heal.

Last weekend was a wonderful reminder of what a retreat can do for one’s frail emotions and wrecked body.

We were offered a weekend away at the Daisy Lodge, the new and very modern Cancer Fund for Children’s retreat base. We were pampered by professional chefs, beauticians and masseurs. And you know what? I did really enjoyed it and I felt refreshed and rejuvenated by the attention and care.

We have gone through huge emotional trauma for three months. Then, we plunged back into “normality” and we tried to navigate it the best we could. No maps, no guidelines. And it has been a hell of a draining journey, in every single aspect: physical, emotional, spiritual.

But I have grown wise through it. I have learned that right now, I cannot give. The very difficult business of existing is draining. And I need plenty of refreshing along the way. I need to look after my body through mild exercise and the right diet. I need to look after my emotions by not keeping company with people who simply don’t get it. I need to distance myself from every single thing and person that has the potential to drain the little bit of daily energy I have to spend.

So, I will, without any guilt, book myself with Cancer Action for their six-week complementary beauty treatments for bereaved families.

I will accept any holidays that will allow us to relax as a family.

And any help with minding Emma, I do find it a struggle at times and I still need help with her. So if you are a friend and live nearby and have a child around her age, do offer to take her for a couple of hours and keep her entertained.

I had that yesterday, a dear friend took her to a birthday party and then kept her for dinner. You know what I did with myself? I slept. I recharged. I switched off and I was just myself, with myself and my memories.

4. Continue to build a legacy for Georgie

I don’t know what shape it will take but it will be most likely small things when and where they are needed.

A meal delivered to someone in need.

A lift.

A hug.

A question to the lonely and a chat.

I will try from the little I have to give in my boy’s name. In the name of my love for him. In his lovely and loving memory.

Wishing you all a peaceful Christmas.

Thank you to each and everybody who was there for us this year. With a hug. A shared shed tear. A meal. A meaningful present. A caring card. A helpful hand with the house or with Emma. For your love, at a time when I felt and acted like the most unlovable being on the planet. Your presence and help didn’t go unnoticed. Thank you!

#NoFilter:Dublin

Published by Oana

I am so honoured to take part, once again, in the #NoFilter project, launched by London City airport. This month, the entries will be judged by Monica Stott, from The Travel Hack.

December’s city is one of our most loved citadels, a place we have visited numerous times, both as a couple and as a young family: Dublin! We actually have a trip planned to Dublin for this school holidays and the two days away will most likely be one of the highlights of our Christmas break, like it always is.

My love for Dublin blossomed in parallel with my love for Alex. They both charmed me very early on in our relationship with their mystery and handsomeness. Our courtship, one of a kind and very modern, relying heavily on Internet connections and Messenger chats, started on a sunny spring day in Dublin, with one very confident-looking Alex taking photos of himself in Saint Stephen’s Green:

Dublin airport, is where, not even a year later, we waited eagerly for my mum as newlyweds and took her around to show her this side of the world. Here we are, close to the Liffey river and one of its many bridges. It was during this trip that we discovered Malahide and a quirky little Greek restaurant Alex took to with gusto and that we visited several times in the years to come.

Dublin is where we chose to get lost, on our first trip as a married couple on our way to visit the in-laws and spent an extra weekend basking in the sun and taking in the gorgeous coast view. Here is what we enjoyed, Easter 2009, in Dalkey, on the South coast of Dublin. We also enjoyed staying in a luxury four-star hotel,like any self-respecting childless couple would do :-). Dublin has plenty of beautiful and exclusive places to stay in and enjoy as a young and carefree couple.

Fast-forward two years and we were again in Dublin, taking my mum back to the airport but as a trio this time. Emma had joined the family meanwhile and we stayed in a family-friendly hotel, close to amenities and the city center, with plenty of things to keep a small child occupied and happy.

Here is daddy and baby Emma, feeding the pigeons in Saint Stephen’s Green:

Our trips to Dublin have evolved with Emma growing. We have discovered many relatively cheap hotels who cater for small families like ours and who don’t mind noisy children early on a Sunday morning (following a now funny memory of a failed attempt to enjoy breakfast in a five-star hotel at 35 euro per head with Emma generously sprinkling cereal around like confetti :-). We have realised a day is well spent in Dundrum Town Centre (the biggest shopping center in Dublin and with the most reasonably priced parking). We understood that a Disney movie matinee followed by a spot of lunch in Nando’s and a bit of shopping in Penneys (Primark for the UK reader) makes for a successful day when you have a small child in tow.

But we always keep the evenings for going back to the city center and have a handsomely delicious meal every single time, either in our favourite Asian or Greek restaurant and ending the day with a stroll by the river and with stories of how much we love Dublin as a city!

The day I left church and decided to be church instead

Published by Oana

No details, none necessary.

I am just at this point in my life where I can’t take any amount of unnecessary anythings.

Being in a building with people with whom I share only a name is not part of my life statement anymore.

Being somewhere just for the sake of being, just for the sake of filling in a morning every week does not sit well with me anymore.

I am here to help with whatever I can.

Alex and I will have our home open on Christmas evening to whoever feels down, lovely or friendless. If you have nowhere to go that evening, let us know and we will provide you with a warm meal and a friendly chat, here, in our home.

We have both agreed, after numerous and very open, heart to heart discussions, that we will use the experience of the past number of months to be church to people who need it most. But we cannot play church anymore. Seeing a son die sharpens your awareness to genuineness , sensitivity to suffering and leaves zero tolerance to “for the sake of…”

I do not know where this will lead.

I am not cutting our ties with the friends we have in church, the ones who have been there for us during, and most importantly, after Georgie died. But I am cutting my ties with an institution which for me has proved redundant in the front of grief, pain and failure.(We have been failures, we were unable to be and provide the community with a miracle.) An institution which has shrugged its shoulders once my boy died and left us where we were, with no answers and no comfort. It has been the general attitude, from over so many churches praying and so many ministers coming to visit with Georgie and pray over him for miracles and healing and…blah…blah…blah…do you know how many visited with us afterwards? NONE.

I do not know where this will lead.

I am grateful to the members of the church who showed us love and provided for our practical needs during our ordeal this year. Each and every name is inscribed into my heart and I will be forever in debt to them, for stepping in the way they did.

But for us now, sitting in church and listening to any sort of sermon only leads to more questions and more pain. Everything is filtered through the prism of our boy’s death. So any statements like “God is love” which we would have accepted without questioning before July is now met in our hearts with waves upon waves of…anger, heartache, doubt.

Maybe we need a church for the grieved only. For the hurt. For the maimed.

The church as it stands now is, at its best, a social club where people go to make/meet friends and exchange pleasantries. It is no longer the place for heartache. Pain, questioning, anger…they have no place in it anymore. There is no training courses in pain. I don’t think there should be any, anyway…There should be just hearts that care and ears that listen and hands that do. Simple as that.

I still love God. He is my only Hope. He holds my boy tight for me until the day I will see him again. He will, in His own time, show me the way out of this horrible, horrible, stabbing pain that has left me for dead, that has robbed me of any joy and desire to stay on this earth.

But for now, I am sorry, Lord, you will have to do. Only you. YOU deal with the rest. I can’t. I refuse to “be an example”, to “be strong”, to “be used” for your glory. Cause you know it for being true, what I am going to say, anyway. People don’t want to change. They like their lives as they have them. And I am done fighting for a lost cause. If you want them changed, you do it. Use THEIR experiences, not mine, to change them.

I am done.

I have had my share of pain, now it is time to step aside and take time to heal.

To just be with my memories.

To just be.

On the sixth day of Christmas…

Published by Oana

“On the sixth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Six Geese a Laying
Five Golden Rings
Four Calling Birds
Three French Hens
Two Turtle Doves
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree.”

We were privileged to be asked to review not one, not two but actually four companies that create photographic mementos and memories this December! I will try and do them all justice here and mention the unique way they have each blessed us as a family this Christmas.

I love Instagram and I use it constantly for my blog’s page so when Square Snaps approaches me and asked us to review their greeting cards, I could have jumped for joy! I take pictures via Instagram several times a day and these pictures are dear to my heart as they are sweet snippets of what our daily routine and life at the moment look like. Pictures that translate memories that could be easily forgotten since Instagram is such a fast moving photographic tool.

If you are a passionate Instagram user like me, you will see the advantage of using Square Snaps immediately:

easy, instant access to your Instagram shots
the possibility of personalising either greeting cards, Christmas cards or gift tags and the pleasure to present a loved one with a beautiful, unique memory you have created together only days before.
the possibility of creating 10 different personalised cards within the same order, due to a very simple to use but efficient program. It made into 10 very unique Christmas cards I was happy to send to various family members and friends.

I was impressed with:

the quality of the cards, good quality, glossy paper.
the personal service: the stuff was ever so helpful, on several occasions. My first choice of picture was not a good fit and they contacted me to say the quality of the photo on the Christmas card would be poor, and would I mind choosing a picture that would deliver a beautiful card?
the envelopes in which the orders are delivered: safe, sturdy and class looking, winners in my books!
the free delivery
the prompt delivery of my order, within days of having placed it.

I wholeheartedly recommend Square Snaps for personalised and unique photographic memories, especially for Instagram users. We were send a voucher code that allowed us to create 10 free personalised Christmas cards. A set of 10 retails at £9.90, delivery is free and the last day to order your personalised snaps is the 18th of December, still time to order your in!

We were also invited this December to create and to review Christmas cards with myprint247.

The company specialises in a whole set of products, from business cards to leaflets and flyers to posters to office supplies like desk pads and personalised mugs and mouse sets. The name is self-explanatory, they promise prompt creation and delivery of an order within 24 hours, 7 days a week!

I would recommend the company for :

swift orders, as promised, ours was delivered within 24 hours.
bulk orders: we were sent a voucher code that allowed us to create 30 personalised A5 Christmas cards! Perfect for families who have a lot of relatives to send Christmas cards to or for parents like me who like to add a personalised touch to the school Christmas cards.
starting up or branding an existing small business, the company offers 50 FREE business cards.

I will be keeping in mind the company for our next year’s Christmas cards, I am sure Emma’s wee friends in school would love receiving a personalised card from her and it would save the mummies the “Who is it from?” question for sure!

The set of 30 A5 Christmas cards retails at £24 and we were sent a voucher code that allowed us to order a set for free, for the purpose of this review.

The last but not the least of the companies I need to mention in this review is eFRAME. I knew they were perfect for us as soon as they emailed with a review request. As you all know, since Georgie died, I have adorned our home with memories of him and unashamedly continued to talk about our special baby boy who left us too soon. So, when eFrame offered us the opportunity to review one of their personalised framed creations, I knew what I would use it for:

This is the picture I used for our frame and it went on Georgie’s memory wall, to honour his memory this Christmas and soothe our pain by reminding us he is now a sweet dragonfly flying happily up above.

I would recommend eFrame for:

their vast choice of frames and mounts, to suit every budget. We were offered a £50 voucher, and I was able to order my print and frame without exceeding the budget.
the personal and kind service.
the reasonably priced products.
the personalised options of creating a very unique picture and frame, using personal photographs and choice of frames.

A big thank you to all three companies for choosing to work with us, for gifting us the option of choice and for creating so many beautiful and personalised memories for us as a family!