So it looks like I have been living a lie. Not because I chose to but because I believed the reality was different.
When I first became pregnant with Emma I experienced a LOT of mood changes. Normal, right? Weeeell, so everybody told me so I chose to believe my hormones were dictating my behaviour and were responsible for me becoming a witch almost overnight. A big, bad witch, as Emma would have described me if she had met me back then.
Then, I had Emma and….baby reflux on my hands. So I went from big, bad witch to a wreck of tears, raw emotions and dysfunctionality. In the sense that I couldn’t cope with being up 24/7, coping with a hysterical baby and all the other household responsibilities and had to call my mum to the rescue. Normal, right? Weeeell, so did all my away-from-home friends told me, over a cosy cup of tea, with their mums/sisters/mothers-in-law semi-permanently installed in their homes.
But then, time passed and the symptoms didn’t lift. I blamed it on my hypothyroid (and none of the doctors I saw actually contradicted me). I blamed it on my mum NOT being able to move in with us for long stretches of time, like my friends’ mums dully did.
Then I got pregnant again. I actually knew it before the blue line on the pregnancy test told me so. I thought, okay, thyroid out of control: check. Mood swings: check. Extreme tiredness: check. Oh, goody, I am pregnant again!
Yesterday we did a marathon series of doctor visits that changed my reality. The first doctor we saw, an expert endocrinologist diagnosed me with Hashimoto auto-immune disease but pronounced the condition mild and reversible. He also said something that tilted by world slightly: my mood swings couldn’t be blamed on my thyroid levels because actually they were fairly stable.
The second doctor we saw, a psychiatrist, put my world right again. Sort of. She spoke of things that I hadn’t heard before like antenatal depression. In retrospect, she diagnosed me with post-natal depression after I had Emma and recommended a follow-up with my G.P. in Ireland, to keep my antenatal depression under control
I was left feeling numb with all these revelations. The things I held responsible for my lack of joy, tiredness and crabbiness were actually not thyroid-related but a moderate pregnancy-related depression no-one diagnosed and that didn’t get treated. It could have saved me so much pain and anguish, had it been diagnosed correctly.
On a positive note, now I know the TRUTH. The good news is that at the moment I am considered functional so I don’t require medication. I will need to find a doctor who knows his/her stuff back in Ireland and who will be able to keep an eye on me and any possible changes.
I am a bundle of emotions regarding this diagnosis. I fight the stigma mental conditions receive. I am angry with all the health visitors and midwives that visited me after I had Emma and told me “it was all normal.” I am ashamed and feel a lot of guilt I put my family through so much. I am scared I will never feel “normal” again, that I will not be able to enjoy my second baby either. I am relieved that at least now I know what I am fighting against.
I would appreciate your comments, especially if you have been through something similar. I also need to find a support group that will keep me sane during the next few months. If you know of any,let me know.
Mama's Haven 
Salut!
De antenatal depression nu stiam. Post-natal depression am avut si eu. Ma documentasem in timpul sarcinii despre asta pt ca am vazut in realitate cum se manifesta la sotia unui prieten care a nascut 3 copii si nici in ziua de azi nu s-a facut bine pt ca refuza sa mearga la medic. La mine a aparut in a 4-a noapte (si ultima, de altfel) de stat in spital dupa ce am nascut. S-a manifestat prin frica f mare; frica sa nu pateasca G. ceva si sa raman singura cu un nou-nascut in brate. Dupa ce am venit acasa s-a agravat: plangeam f mult iar cand iesea G la cumparaturi sau la farmacie stateam cu ochii pe ceas si tremuram – la propriu- pana venea inapoi. Apoi incepusem sa ma simt vinovata si furioasa pe mine insami ca plangeam intr-una si nu ma puteam descurca singura cu bebele cand G ar fi trebuit sa mearga la lucru si nu sa stea cu noi acasa. Toate astea pe fondul oboselii foarte mari. Ma trezeam din 2 in 2 ore noaptea ca sa-l hranesc iar ziua dormea f putin.
Recomandarea ginecologului meu a fost: Urgent la psihiatru pt ca daca se agraveaza poate fi periculos atat pt mama cat si pt copil!
Socrii mei cunosteau pe cineva dar nu am reusit sa dam de el la tel. iar pana la urma nu a mai fost nevoie. La 7 saptamani Filip a inceput sa doarma cate 4-5 ore pe noapte ceea ce pt mine a fost enorm. Incepusem sa ma odihnesc mai mult, dupa 3 luni incepuse sa doarma bine in timpul zilei si incet incet lucrurile au inceput sa se schimbe.
Oana, faptul ca ai spus in public atatea detalii despre cum te simti necesita mult curaj. Bravo! Cred ca e un lucru f important sa stii unde te afli. Iti doresc sa gasesti un medic bun in Irlanda ca sa poti merge mai departe si sa ai rezultate. Sunt alaturi de tine!!! Te inteleg f bine desi la mine a durat mai putin. In ultimii 3 ani am urmarit multe emisiuni la tv pe tema asta. Da, se intampla des, e normal, dar putine femei realizeaza treaba asta si sunt ajutate.
Iti doresc sa ai in continuare o sarcina usoara, sa te bucuri de fiecare clipa si sa-ti relaxezi creierul (stiu cat esti de organizata si ca nu poti fara program 🙂 )
Pupici la burtica si Emmei 🙂
Ioni, imi pare rau sa aud numai acum de depresia ta post-natala. Sper ca lucrurile s-au rezolvat cu adevarat Pentru tine, eu stiu ca problemele astea nu dispar asa usor. Daca in inima ta stii ca nu s-au rezolvat te incurajez si te sustin sa cauti ajutor, ca sa fii bine. Iti urez ce-mi urez si mie, sa fim sanatoase 100% si cu adevarat fericite! Pup, mersi de raspuns.
sweet dear Oana, how I wished I could do something for you now .You are not alone. I am always sending my bestest wishes and blessing your way , no matter where you are.
You have nothing to be ashamed from or feel guilty from.You had very challenging times with Emma and its unaccceptable, that all of the midwifes or health visitors were telling , that “its all normal.
What is normal for you is the main thing here and how you feel. You are a great and blessed mama with your Emma and baby on the way.
At least now you know the truth and you have the strength to find the best way for yourself to feel yourself again. Trust your heart.
If you ask my boys about me when we lived in Thornleigh Gardens they will probably tell you , that I was a witch as well.That lasted a few years.Went through a really tough times.My mistake was, that I got lost in being a mother and forgot all my other needs, so I let that turn me into a victim and I lost the connection with my men.But all that is in the past.
I can reassure you , that you can turn those feeling around-be gentle with yourself and accept yourself no matter what, love and pamper your body, hug your family every day and tell them , that you love them, talk talk talk for every problem and challenge.Those are some of the things I did and everything changed for me.
Sending you lots of love and a big hugs and I am looking forward to cook for you some food when you come back
xxx
Iva, I am happy for you, that you found your balance. In your case it was probably less complicated as there were no wrong chemicals involved in the thought process, just choices. For me it’s a bit more daunting as I might need to consider medical help. Thanks for stopping by and sharing.
Thank you,Oana.Yes,you are right I can only imagine what is like.Nevertheless I am here for you .xxx
First, congrats Oana! Wishing you a healthy and happy pregnancy.
I was never diagnosed with anything so I don’t know if I’m much help, but I’m glad you’re able to get a proper diagnosis. I’m sure that knowledge will help tremendously instead of feeling like something’s off without knowing exactly what it is. I think it’s also great that you’re already looking into a support group to relate to.
Thank you, Nina, for taking time to reply, I know your boys keep you busy. How is life back at work?
Yeah, I am am still coming to terms with it. I am considering counselling as well, as I really want to get out of this black cloud before the baby is born, so I can enjoy him and my family life. I always read your posts, you inspire me, I am sure I will go back to your sleep-related posts once baby is born.xx
I’m so sorry to hear you have been having a hard time. I’m glad that you have been diagnosed and are hopefully on your way to recovery. Post natal depression is very common and you shouldn’t feel ashamed. You need to focus on your new one on the way. I like to think of it as a grieving process for the life you used to have. Having a baby is a big change to both your life and your body and your hormones don’t always behave the way they should. I hope you feel better soon. xD