Comments 4

Grief,entitlement and forgiveness

First of all, let me start by saying my baby has been gone for five weeks yesterday. 35 days!!

How cruelly fast the time passes, stealing with it the sweetest features, the small details, the tactile.

I have started to forget how my baby’s tiny hands looked. I need pictures to remind me now. My body has stopped aching for his physical presence in a painful way. The time has dulled the sharpness of the physical pain.

But he is still in my thoughts. Of course he is. He is there when I accidentally end up on the Mothercare website and spot the “small brother” baby grow. And my heart stops for a few painful seconds.

He is there when I go for a walk in Perea, where our holiday apartment used to be and I see a baby boy pushed in a pram. And my mind says “this should have been us” before I can stop the thought from coming.

He is there in Emma’s features when she is deeply asleep.

He is there, present and remembered and adored, in every single conversation I have with my mum.

He is there in our plans for the future. For a forever house named after my special little boy.

And he is there when I am angry.

For four weeks I have felt entitled to be angry. To be angry with people and their stupid comments. Comments that catch you by surprise and in doing so hurt you in your deepest of deepests.

For four weeks I have cursed under my breath. And sometimes out loud.

I have cursed in four weeks more than I have cursed in my entire life.

Because there was nothing else my mind could come up with as a reaction.

What do you say when your husband keeps waking up day after day after day saying “I hate my life.”

How do you respond when your girl keeps asking with every news of a newborn: “Will he die too, mummy?”

When my heart kept being ripped out of my chest with the sight of every baby soundly asleep in his pram and superposing images flashed through my head of my baby suffering and dying such a cruel death?

But recently I realised I have a choice.

Oh, yeah, I am justified in being angry, of course I am.

Oh, yeah, I am justified to use bad language, could anyone blame me?

Oh, yes, I am justified to hold it against people for saying stupid things to us. For preaching at us. For blaming us for our baby nor being healed. For people not mentioning our baby’s name, not once, as if he had not existed.

Of course I am.

But will I keep doing it?


Because I want to honour my baby with my reactions and my life.

Because I can’t behave as a spoilt brat towards God just because I didn’t get my way.

Because at the end of the day, my Georgie is safe. Forever safe. In arms of love. The greatest arms of Love.  He just took an early bus home, that is all.

And in the greatest scheme of things, him being forever safe is more important than my temporary pain.

Baba boo, baby blue, mummy hasn’t forgotten you. You are loved and cherished. Until the end of times. And beyond. Into eternity.

When we will cuddle up and hold hands and laugh until our bellies hurt.

And I know that God will not mind that upon arrival into heaven I will ask for a cuddle with you first.


This entry was posted in: Parenting


Mum to one beautiful girl on earth and one sweet baby boy in heaven. Privileged carer. Encourager and friend.


  1. I wish I could give you a huge hug, Oana. These early weeks are very tough. You’ve every right to feel angry with everything, and it’s fine to feel however you feel. Georgie will always be there inside you. And I’m sure God will be very happy to hand Georgie over for the biggest cuddle ever when it’s your time. So much love xxx

  2. I don’t think that request will be denied 🙂 gorgeous boy. Yes you have every right to feel all of those things for as long as you need to. Sending love x

  3. Damaris says

    Thank you for being so real, Oana. It’s such an encouragement to read you. This process is not easy. Your George is not with you. When I think of you guys I have to remind myself that he is gone. It must be so hard for you to have to remind yourself of that at every turn of your day. It’s bewildering. And so incredible to know you will get unlimited time with him one day. What you guys are feeling is so normal. Please cuss away… anyway it totally fits in Greece!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s