Comments 13

31 Days of Grief: Support

We did receive and feel a lot of support from our friends and church during the months of Georgie’s hospitalisation, his stay in the children’s hospice and after his passing. People were overwhelmingly kind. Getting meals ready. Looking after Emma. Getting people to clean our house or doing it themselves. Sending us flowers. Putting money together to see us through the rough months. Paying for our rent. Buying wee mementos in Georgie’s memory. But unfortunately not all people got it, our need to grieve at our own pace, once Georgie passed away. Surprisingly, it was family members doing or saying the wrong thing that shocked us. And also, members of certain churches who live under the “prosperous Gospel” doctrine who literally ran away as soon as Georgie passed away. Too much of a dose of reality for them, I suppose. I woke up on Friday morning to a shockingly upsetting email from a relative. I will not shame the person or myself by putting it here, the message that was sent to me. But I will link in my reply, in the hope, and only in the hope that people will learn. Learn to respect other people’s pain, even if they are your relatives and you think you are somehow entitled to give opinions by the mere blood connection. Learn to respect that people mourn very differently and very messily. Mourning cannot follow timescales, relationship rules or precepts. Mourning is the complete unveiling of one’s soul and should never, even be criticised or directed, as it is a very personal and intimate journey back to a new “normality”. So, here goes: “Dear Nosey and Insensitive Relative, You clearly speak from the perspective of someone who read a lot of books, knows all the “right” answers but hasn’t experienced the loss of a child. Without wanting to generalise, this has been the attitude from the “strong” side of the family ever since Georgie passed away. Ignore. Dismiss. Don’t acknowledge the loss. Don’t acknowledge the pain. Give unrequested and unnecessary advice and personal opinions and views. This hasn’t helped. Not one bit.

Did it not occur to you that “guided grieving”, read not a single flipping mention of our baby boy and his passing away, can lead to dangerous patterns of behaviour and harmful relationships? Because, dear relative, ignoring pain instead of expressing it, leads only to repressed feelings, anger and later on a very toxic and literally life-threatening explosion of emotion.
I don’t even know why I am writing this email. I know you will not allow it to break your wall of defenses and “I know betters”. I know it will not help you grieve for Georgie as in sitting down and actually allowing the realisation of his passing devastate your world. I know you will most likely rationalise your pain and push it aside. And that is ok. It is your choice.
But dear relative, MY baby died and I have the right to grieve in any way I choose to, without anyone attempting to mould and “guide” that process. And make me feel bad about the way I relate to the rest of my family during these very fresh stages of grief. I still function. My first child still gets washed and fed and taken to school. My husband still gets his warm dinners on the table and his laundry done. I grieve alongside living, as any healthy individual does.
Have a lovely day.”
My next blog post will reveal how precious my baby was, in the eyes and perception of the ones who knew him and looked after him, his nurses and our friends.
10308353_10152050475116512_8966196071248220921_nGeorgie was so loved, so very loved by everyone who met him.
How can anyone choose to ignore his existence and tell me to “move on” is beyond my ability to comprehend.
This entry was posted in: Parenting


Mum of one beautiful girl on earth and one sweet baby boy in heaven. Daughter of a wonderful woman. Wife of a very entrepreneurial man.


  1. Pingback: 31 Days of Grief | Mama's Haven

  2. Gabriela Neculau says

    Noi nu l-am cunoscut pe Georgie, desi ne-am fi dorit foarte mult, dar ne-a fermecat cu zambetul sau si l-am iubit ca pe copilul nostru, si va avea mereu un loc special in inimile noastre!!!

    • Multumesc, Gabi. Din inima, iti multumesc. Inca o data, prietenii ne sint mai aproape decit familia. Pup.

  3. Rachael says

    It’s amazing how people can surprise in good & bad ways when you need them most.
    Your baby boy should be celebrated & grieved in exactly the way your heart , your husbands heart & your little girls heart need because that’s where you love him from, your hearts out
    Well done for responding with strength & dignity xx

    • Thank you. I didn’t feel very dignified in answering but the issue needed addressed before more damage was done.xx

  4. It is sad to read that the support you received from your relative did not make mention of your precious son Georgie. Obviously I do not know the contents, nor do I need to know, but could it be that they didn’t exclude mentioning him intentionally?

    Death remains such a taboo, and that of a young innocent baby such as Goergie probably more so.

    It is good to read your blog to help people understand what you need to support you.

    Much love xx

    • Oh, Ella, you must have a good heart to give people so much credit. No, unfortunately, there is no excuse. Just the need to meddle and keep people right, this is not the first time, nor the last, it is a life long habit that I need to oppose at this moment in time. For everybody’s sake.xx

  5. Kerry says

    Unfortunately I have found that people generally find other people’s pain (of whatever nature) uncomfortable and inconvenient and make ridiculous suggestions as to how the sufferer can make it ‘all better’. They don’t seem to have any sense that there are some things that will never get all better, that will never go away, that will always be like a knife in the heart. You responded eloquently and with dignity. I think my answer might’ve included a few rude words xx

    • I know, Kerry. The above mentioned relative never had children nor had known the pain of losing someone you love at such a tender age. It is, as you say, lack of emphatic fear of the unknown/death and the need to make everything go back to “normal.” As if there can be a normal after the death of a little child.xx

  6. Pingback: 31 Days of Grief: Dark/Light | Mama's Haven

  7. I wish I could give you a hug, but yet I can only send a virtual one. When I lost my baby at 12 weeks of pregnancy all that I was told by a certain (close) family member was that I was not the first woman to whom it happened so I shoul not upset the family atmosphere by being sad. This was like 10 min after I was told the sad news…. So I can just try to imagine how you must feel about this.

    • Thank you and once again, I am so sorry! People can be so insensitive sometimes! I hope you did take time to grieve for your little lost baby. Big hugs.xx

  8. Wow – I have just read this and sadly can believe that someone would be so stupid. I have lost both my parents and I’m not even 40 yet. Comments made to me have bordered on the ridiculous…. I have just moved house “you can draw a line in the sand over all the sad stuff now”, a close friend said “at least its over for you now and you can get on with your life”….. Some people just look at me like I am diseased when I say i have lost both my parents, they run as fast as they can. It must be even worse when its a young child, this is just the worst ever. Sending you a big big hug. x

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