I have reached this point in my grieving process when all I can see is pain.
The pain of the past.
My baby’s pain.
The horrible, bone-drilling, gut-wrenching, smile-stealing pain that transformed my happy and bright boy into a shell, a shadow, a lifeless body.
Our pain, as parents.
The shocking, blinding pain of a merciless diagnosis for our beloved son.
The pain of lost hopes and dreams.
The draining pain of silences, of cruel words, of misguided sermons, of insensitive questions.
The pain, the unbearable pain of seeing our son go before us.
The pain of the present.
The pain that permeates our lives, on every level and in almost every instance.
The pain of what could have been, of which we are given cruel reminders every single day.
The pain of what will never be, marking every milestone Georgie should have reached.
The pain of love that will never be poured over into his life, into his growth, into his development.
The pain of the future.
The prospect of another sibling for our children brings now sadness, not joy, as it should have had.
A brother or sister who will never get to meet his or her older brother.
One less room full of toys. Of memories. Of fun. Of adventures. Of exploration.
One less wedding. One less daughter in law. One less grandchild.
A gap that will never be filled.
A place that will never be taken, by anyone else.
And some days, this prospect of forever pain paralyses me.
It makes me question the point of living.
Some days, the burden is too heavy.
Some days, the pain veil is just too thick to lift.
Oana my heart hurts for you 😦 I wish this process was more gentle but understand it is anything but 😦 xxx
I can do nothing to ease your pain but I couldn’t just read and run. The agony of your son being missing from your arms must be overwhelming. The memories of what he went through must be seared in your mind. I am so so sorry. I am sorry there I nothing on this side of eternity that will make it easier. No platitudes will help. Part of your soul has gone into eternity and you’ll feel that until you go there too. I still believe in a good God and that His eternal arms are under you, even when we His people let you down and even when you might feel He has let you down. I will continue to.pray for His comfort for you x
Kerry your comment is absolutely beautiful 💕
Oana, one of the challenges of this journey we are on is having to live with where our memory has been 😔
I’m sure you’ve heard the old story about the two men who looked out through prison bars? One saw mud and the other saw stars!
Some days and weeks I find myself able to be thankful for the 16 years that Leah graced our lives and for all that I am learning on this journey.
Other days, like you, I am faced with flashbacks of what she went through, of what other children on the ward went through and all I want to do is cry all day.
Then I have people telling me “Oh you’ve all the firsts over you now.” as if I have somehow ACHIEVED something!
What have I achieved, other than to keep breathing & keep missing my child every single day?
On a good day I would probably say that I’ve achieved far more than that but every day can’t be a good day………..
Hi Oana I know ur pain and have said all the same things there isnt anything can ease this deep deep pain or fill the empty void nor would I ever want it to go its my bond now between me & my beautiful son until one day I meet him again in Heaven Its that assurance of were he is that keeps me going he gave me the best 14yrs a mum could ever have Iwill always ask WHY but Iwill never let my pain robb me off the joy & love my son brought into my life he was unique & one day him & I will share that love again in Heaven .In the meantime thru this pain Im letting Jesus carry me when I feel I cant go on & on better days Imwalking close beside him because I know he loves me he sees my pain & he will keep me until one day he calls me home Am praying for you ur family
Blessings & Love