This is what I used to wake up to this time last year.
And although the going was horribly hard and we were stuck in a hospital room and NEVER allowed out, for fear of infections, this little sweet face brightened my day.
I have realised that most of you didn’t know us back then so this was meant to be an insightful blog post into what the cancer ward really is for a family.
I wanted to tell you how exceptionally draining it was on our marriage, on our bodies, on our emotions to live apart.
To not be together as a family for over two months.
To live out of suitcases and plastic bags.
To live off food that people kindly cooked for us all those weeks.
To wish your daughter good night over the phone, with her crying and asking you to come home.
To see your own mother crumble every time you walked in through that door, bone-weary and burdened to the ground with the load of your baby’s illness.
To drive like a zombie, leaving that sweet, sweet face behind for two more days, enough time to rest and vainly attempt to recharge your extremely depleted body and soul.
To explain that rest was never found, that the nights were spent in a heavy slumber that never brought relief.
How could it have been, knowing that half of your heart was not with you???
But instead….I saw his face.
So full of love and life and promise.
And I need to tell you.
That I would do it again.
A thousand times over.
Just to see my boy smiling once again.
Just to be able to hold him one more time.
Pain is relative.
We were in pain back then.
But the pain of now, of not having him here, of not seeing him grow???
It is a thousand times worse.
Till we meet again, I will honour your memory with a smile on my face.
No matter what my circumstances are.
You have taught me to appreciate life.
In every small and insignificant detail.
Missing your sweet face!