I wrote my last blog post for 2015 on the 22nd of December.
Two weeks and three days off to enjoy a quiet Christmas time with Emma and Alex, to take a trip down to Dublin for a bit of sale shopping and rest; to ignore the cruel arrival of another year, which takes us even further away from the memories we have of Georgie.
Life is never simple anymore when you have lost a child. Occasions that make others want to celebrate make bereaved parents retreat into their shell and wish it all away.
Marital conflict stops being easy to mend with an apology and a kiss it better attitude. When you survive on little energy for lengthy periods of time, like any bereaved parent does, a “silly little” fight leaves you completely drained for absolute ages.
I have found myself growing totally intolerant to small talk, to respecting social and religious rules and constraints and to pleasing people. Even the closest of people.
People speak of a new persona emerging after loss and I find myself changed in ways that only grief can change you.
I am still me but a me who realises life is extremely short to grind it on anything other that what makes you sleep well at night.
I have written in December about having come to a point in my life where I could accept what happened to our family as fact. That I no longer want to question why it was Georgie that it happened to and how it is possible to still live after such a devastating loss.
But this acceptance needs to expand now and include myself in it.
I had many hopes and dreams for my life. Slowly, slowly, I have had to put them all to rest.
This is who I am now, a woman in her late 30s, who finds herself unable to work outside the house, who cannot support herself financially and who is far from perfect weight wise, wife wise, parent wise.
But this is me at this moment in time and I have to accept it with humility and self-love.
Will I get better? Will I regain a certain degree of life zest and relearn to be “happy”?
I hope so.
But meanwhile, I have to be okay with who I am now because I simply do not have the energy to put myself down anymore.
P.S.- I have a little favour to ask. I always enter this blogging awards not because it gives me any financial rewards but because winning (or coming close to the top) boosts my confidence and ensures future commissions on the blog.
So, if you have a minute to spare, would you vote for Mama’s Haven in the UK Blog Awards 2016?
Thanks a million!