I wrote my last blog post for 2015 on the 22nd of December.
Two weeks and three days off to enjoy a quiet Christmas time with Emma and Alex, to take a trip down to Dublin for a bit of sale shopping and rest; to ignore the cruel arrival of another year, which takes us even further away from the memories we have of Georgie.
Life is never simple anymore when you have lost a child. Occasions that make others want to celebrate make bereaved parents retreat into their shell and wish it all away.
Marital conflict stops being easy to mend with an apology and a kiss it better attitude. When you survive on little energy for lengthy periods of time, like any bereaved parent does, a “silly little” fight leaves you completely drained for absolute ages.
I have found myself growing totally intolerant to small talk, to respecting social and religious rules and constraints and to pleasing people. Even the closest of people.
People speak of a new persona emerging after loss and I find myself changed in ways that only grief can change you.
I am still me but a me who realises life is extremely short to grind it on anything other that what makes you sleep well at night.
I have written in December about having come to a point in my life where I could accept what happened to our family as fact. That I no longer want to question why it was Georgie that it happened to and how it is possible to still live after such a devastating loss.
But this acceptance needs to expand now and include myself in it.
I had many hopes and dreams for my life. Slowly, slowly, I have had to put them all to rest.
This is who I am now, a woman in her late 30s, who finds herself unable to work outside the house, who cannot support herself financially and who is far from perfect weight wise, wife wise, parent wise.
But this is me at this moment in time and I have to accept it with humility and self-love.
Will I get better? Will I regain a certain degree of life zest and relearn to be “happy”?
I hope so.
But meanwhile, I have to be okay with who I am now because I simply do not have the energy to put myself down anymore.
P.S.- I have a little favour to ask. I always enter this blogging awards not because it gives me any financial rewards but because winning (or coming close to the top) boosts my confidence and ensures future commissions on the blog.
So, if you have a minute to spare, would you vote for Mama’s Haven in the UK Blog Awards 2016?
Thanks a million!
I’ve voted, not simply because you asked but you deserve it. I pray you all have a good year and as always my thoughts with you and little Georgie x
This was hard to read. I understand that feeling of another year turning – not in the way you know it but from losing a parent. Every celebration seems to be filled with that knowledge of life moving on which is so hard. I hope 2016 is a happy year for you though. Voting now.
I voted for you, not because you asked but because your words are beautifully written. I am new to your blog so I don’t know your story. I hope that 2016 is a positive year for you xx
Aww, I am incredibly sorry for your loss. I can not even begin to imagine how hard it is.
I hope that 2016 is a fantastic year for you and your family. *hugs* xx
P.S I’m now about to head over and vote 🙂 xx
oh Oana I can’t even imagine the pain, you are a brilliant mother though don’t ever doubt that. off to vote xx
I am so sorry for your loss, I cannot even begin to imagine how you must feel or even how hard each day is for you.
I’m off to go vote for you, you deserve it.
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss I’m sure u have heard that plenty of times though. I can’t image what it must be like to loose a child. Am off to vote for you.
This is a really honest post and immediately drew me in to read your other posts to find out more. I love finding blogs as captivating as yours. Good luck with the UK blog awards, you definitely deserve it. Btw, I love the photo at the top!
My niece who has also lost a child finds the new year hard. Instead of celebrating the new year, it is just a reminder of how long they have been apart. Sending you love and understanding Oana
I am sorry you are finding it hard (naturally) and glad that you are trying to be kind to yourself x
Another powerful post – in particular, your line
“But this is me at this moment in time and I have to accept it with humility and self-love.”
I think there is a lesson in there for us all.
Love and blessings to you.
It must be hard to see in another year without Georgie and so many occasions that make you think of what might have been. I hope you find that peace, acceptance and happiness. x
Oh my love. I don’t have any advice or words of wisdom…only a virtual hug. I wish you all the best xx
Bless you Oana, I can’t imagine how it feels but I’m pleased to read you have made a decision to accept who you are and how you feel right no. It is a great start place for more healing. Mich x
I hope that 2016 gives you the peace that you are looking for and good luck in the awards xx
Sending you a great big hug. I’m off to vote for you xxx
I am so sorry about your loss! I can’t imagine what you must be going through! x
I will definitely vote for you, and am happy to do so because your blog is great.
Oh Oana, I am so very sorry for your loss, I can’t even begin to imagine what you have been through but I hope 2016 is kind to you. Now I’m off to vote for you, you most definitely deserve it.
A very personal post. I am lost for words, just want you to know that you are not alone x