First of all, my appreciation to all of you who took the time to comment, call or meet up with us after my last blog post.
I wish I could say the contents of that blog post were erroneous and I am now in a much better place. But it would simply not be true.
The last blog post was written out of deep personal anguish and a sense of disappointment with life and desperate search for meaning.
Afterwards, I went to see our lovely social worker in the children’s hospice, there is nothing I could say to her to shock, and she simply said:
“It sounds like you are desperately looking for a life purpose.”
And yes, that is what it is: I have been through a lot and at this very moment in time, my life makes very little sense as it stands. It needs to change, I need a direction and a purpose.
I am a visual writer and in that conversation, I did explain that it seems that since Georgie died, I have been in a huge whirlwind, a proper tsunami which has sucked my life out of place . I am trying desperately to pull stuff out from the terrible mess that grief has left my life in and rebuild it to resemble, even in the slightest, the life I once dreamt I would have.
Another metaphor that popped into my head was “circle of trust“.
Grief has made me question absolutely everything I ever believed in and it has been like a trust circle that has been drawing tighter and tighter.
I tossed away the image of a God who cares for little children, I see Him now as the Giver of life simply.
I tossed away the belief in the Church as a Hope place. I see it now as a club, a Sunday club.
I have tossed away the beliefs that in marriage the man in the “head” and the woman needs to submit. I have a head too and I now believe a marriage should be a union of equals, as we both carry equally important responsibilities, be it providing financially or raising a family.
I have also tossed the belief that has sneaked into my head over the past 10 years that I cannot do much. I can and I will. I am still young, only 37 and can still build a beautiful and stable future for my daughter and myself.
So, thank you.
To all of you who have not judged, who have not called me mentally ill, who have not referred me for “help” and who have had the ability to look at my last blog post and see the emotional pain that oozed from my words and the potential for great things that came from such vulnerable and very public ramblings.
For the ones who didn’t all the above mentioned things, never mind.
I know that you come from a place where you have never known great pain and sorrow. Your opinions on life are still shaped by tradition and propriety. You have not had the past two years of sleepless nights to ponder on life and dig so deep for meaning that your bare soul was left exposed.
You have a mind and have used it to form an opinion of me. It is your right, of course. You already had, most likely, already an opinion, all shaped by the neat box in which you had shoved me in when my writing started to get “ugly” and raw, two years ago.
I cannot change your mind nor your opinion. Only you can but these things happen ONLY when your heart and mind open up to see the pain, the anguish, the despair.
Your opinions cannot change me either. I am where I am, on a journey of suffering, self-discovery and maybe, one day, hope. A personal journey on which you choose to travel with me or not. It is of no consequence to me. I have not the luxury of escape from it myself, it is the lot that has been dealt to me and I will have to make the most of it, in any way I can.