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A pain that never goes away

What were we found to be lacking, Lord, that you took our baby away so soon and in such a cruel way? Could we not have been trusted with him for another year or decade? Were we so much worse than so many other parents on this earth who are still enjoying their children and know nothing of the pain of losing their heart in the cruelest of ways? Is he still remembering us or has your glorious realm and presence deleted our very existence from his memory? What am I supposed to do with this pain that leaks like puss from me and makes people draw away? What can I say and do? How many times can I say sorry for my sins. How many times shall I repent for wanting another child? How will I ever forgive myself for bringing the sweetest child in the world in order for him to suffer? Cause suffer he did, from the very beginning, till the very end. And it is Sunday. And we should celebrate Your …

Guess how much I love you

Dear boy, You have been gone for more than seven weeks now. Seems like an eternity yet no time at all. You know, for someone who has lived on this earth for only five and a half months, you have left a humongous gap behind you. I miss you everywhere. I miss you in the health center, where I remember taking you with Emma for your vaccines. I remember how proud she was of you. How in awe you were of her, your big and caring sister. I miss you when I drive through Carrick. Every single street and corner holds a memory of you. I pass the church where Emma goes to GB and I remember being expectant with joy and you! I go shopping in Tesco’s and you are there, accompanying me. When I glance at the baby boys’ bibs. When I see the nappy aisle. I remember you when I go for a stroll and see the coffee shop where we took you one rainy morning. I miss you when I go …