Dear boy,

You have been gone for more than seven weeks now.

Seems like an eternity yet no time at all.

You know, for someone who has lived on this earth for only five and a half months, you have left a humongous gap behind you.

I miss you everywhere.

I miss you in the health center, where I remember taking you with Emma for your vaccines. I remember how proud she was of you. How in awe you were of her, your big and caring sister.

I miss you when I drive through Carrick. Every single street and corner holds a memory of you.

I pass the church where Emma goes to GB and I remember being expectant with joy and you!

I go shopping in Tesco’s and you are there, accompanying me. When I glance at the baby boys’ bibs. When I see the nappy aisle.

I remember you when I go for a stroll and see the coffee shop where we took you one rainy morning.

I miss you when I go to the library and I see the baby books and I know you should have been here with me, on my knee, reaching out for them.

I miss you when I go clothes’ shopping. I miss you in the bright colours you loved so much. I miss you in the coffee shop I took you one very unsettled morning and nearly fell asleep. Me, not you, remember :-)?

I miss you in IKEA. When I see the baby cots. And babies in pram. And pregnant women.

 

And at times, it makes me sad. And somehow I know you know about my tears, there where you are.

At other times, it makes me angry. Not with you, never with you. Just at a future without you.

At times, it makes me feel lonely. Lonely with my pain and sorrow. Lonely for your smiles and your sweet presence.

 

And they say time heals but I know now it is not true. Time doesn’t. Grief comes back, in vicious and distressing circles, again and again and again.

And nothing makes it better. NOTHING. Only your presence would, baby boy. Only your giggles. Only YOU.

 

Guess how much I love you, sweet boy?

I love you to eternity and beyond.

I love you to heavens.

I love you all the way into my future, until the very end of it.

I love you with a fierce and never ending longing.

It will never end. It will never diminish.

It will never change.

 

And God, I have given you my heart.

Twice.

Once when I became aware of your love for me and surrendered to it.

And again, once again, when my heart was ripped from my chest and flew to be with you.

So now, I wait.

And I expect your blessing, once again.

You will need to show me how to live again.

And how to grow another heart, capable of love and vulnerable to pain.

How to be like you.