All posts filed under: Writing

On Heaven

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Heaven is a dilemma for the human mind. Not for the human heart, though. In the weeks following Georgie’s death I couldn’t allow myself to imagine heaven as I knew my imagination, even my wildest imaginations, could not do it justice. My heart had this deep and intricate and intimate perception of what heaven looks like but my brain, my inner eye couldn’t imagine it, couldn’t “see” it. Go on Google and type in “heaven images” and you will understand what I mean. Your soul will be totally dissatisfied with the images it sees because it knows that heaven cannot be rendered in images. Its magnificence and glory cannot be portrayed by any drawing. Have I told you before that on the night Georgie died, the very moment he transitioned from this earth to the heavenly realm, I heard almost audible clapping? You can call me delusional or grief-stricken or plain exhausted but I know in my heart, in my spirit, that Heavens were roaring with cheering and clapping when my baby boy entered Heaven. …

On grief, anger and pain

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It’s been two months since my baby died. I remember reading this post back in July, on the 5th, the day my baby died, and having no clue about grief. How could I have had? The numbness wore off. The numbness that followed the indescribable pain of watching my sweet son die. The baby that I longed for with fierceness, the boy who was so bright and was meant to become a doctor and save so many lives, according to his doting Bica. My mini me… And numbness was followed by anger and searing pain. In a chaotic and overwhelming melange of emotions and feelings. I have been angry. With everyone. With myself. With God. With Alex. With Emma. With people saying things. With people not saying things. With pregnant women. With women with babies. With people sending me shitty links meant to “guide” me through my grieving process. “Spiritual” links. With people staring dumb-folded when I say I lost my baby.  But do you know what has been the overwhelming feeling since the numbness …

Where I live

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I skipped a few days of the blogging challenge again. Too knackered with all the packing, travelling, unpacking and settling back in. But today’s challenge from Outmumbered is “Where I live.” According to Wikipedia, ” Greenisland is a village in County Antrim, Northern Ireland. It lies 7 miles north-east of Belfast and 3 miles south-west of Carrickfergus. The village is on the coast of Belfast Lough and is named after a tiny islet to the west, the Green Island. It is a semi-rural community located at the foot of Carn Hill , upon which stands the Knockagh Monument, a war memorial for those from County Antrim who died in the first and second world wars. We have been living on and off here for the past six years. I say on and off because we keep trying to leave but we always find our way back here. We lived in Groomsport for a year (too posh-read uptight-to be comfortable for us!) . We lived in Carrickfergus as well for almost a year, in the Marina but …

15 things that make me happy

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  Today’s challenge from Outmumbered is writing about things that make us happy. Not the obvious, like the family and friends but the “small” and private bits. So, here goes: 1. Reading. My way of escaping reality and relaxing. 2. Coffee. Frappe with loads of milk and ice in the summer. Vanilla-flavoured coffee with milk in winter. And in Ireland. 3. Rain. Goes with the reading, the warm coffee and a fluffy blankie. 4. Notebooks. I am obsessed with pretty notebooks. 5. Babies. I find it hard being around them at the moment but I have always loved babies. 6. Hand and body lotions. Again, slight obsession. Ok, not so slight. One in every drawer in the house. 7. Autumn leaves rustling. Love the sound. 8. Travelling to new places. 9. Comfortable shoes/sandals. 10. Pretty dresses. Alex would tell you need to wear more of those and less jeans. 11. Writing 12. Blogging 13. The thought that one day I will see my boy again and be able to give him a big,squashy hug. 14. My …

10 years from now

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Today’s challenge from Outmumbered is trying to see ourselves in 10 years time. If you had asked me this six months ago I would have replied like any “normal” mummy, who had not known grief and sorrow. I would have said I would have been the happy mother of a teenage girl and a preteen boy. With a normal job. And a normal marriage. But now we have crossed the threshold and are in the “beyond.” Beyond the unthinkable. Beyond our precious son’s death. Beyond the norm. So where do I see myself 10 years from now? I see myself living my life as if it mattered. I see myself creating and keeping alive a legacy in Georgie’s memory. I see myself as the mother of a teenage girl and if, God will choose to bless my womb, of another precious son or daughter. I see myself still married and still loving my husband. But I also see myself in the “beyond.” Beyond living my life as if it mattered, I see myself living it …