Mama's Haven

I don’t have a place where I go to grieve and connect with Georgie. Simply because he is always, always in my thoughts. I carry him in my every breath, in my every action, in my every dream.

But if I was to name a place where I prefer to grieve is the sacredness of my kitchen.

That is where we rocked him to sleep for three months.

That is where I cried out and knelt down and begged in prayer for my precious boy’s life.

That is where the most powerful battles were fought and the most painful fears materialised.

That is where I was supposed to see my baby crawl and pull himself up, walk, run, chase his sister..But all I see is the picture of him as a forever baby.

And that makes the space sacred. The daily challenge to balance my life between preserving memories and moving on with the mundane.

The prompt about books that helped during and with the grieving process took me back to the days and weeks after Georgie died. I couldn’t sleep for more that 2-3 hours at a time so I downloaded and read a lot on my Kindle.

The first book I read after Georgie died was Sunshine after the Storm, “a collection written by mothers finding their way after the loss of a baby and child”. It was the perfect book for me, as a freshly grieved parent. The book is, as the subtitle says it, a collection of recounts and advice from bereaved parents with varied backgrounds, of various religious and with various belief systems. The book helped me understand that grieving is a very personal process, as personal as our individuality and gave me permission to grieve as I felt necessary.

The book I read next would seem odd for a mother who had just lost her baby to cancer, but I needed to understand. To understand cancer from the patient’s perspective. Georgie was too small to talk and our communication had been entirely non-verbal. But I needed to see cancer expressed in writing. The Fault in Our Stars was, paradoxically, a book that gave me peace. Partially answered some of my questions. But most of all, helped me understand that losing a child is unbearable, no matter what age they are. Even if we had been given more time to enjoy Georgie, the devastation would have been equally painful, no matter what the age he would have suffered at.

I can’t even remember how I came across the Atlas Girl. It was again, a story about cancer, incurable cancer, that inexplicably got healed and with it a whole family and their intricate relationships got mended. It taught me a lot about pain. About love. And it gave me the idea of having a “love account” as we called it with Alex, a separate account from where we can take money when we see a need and want to bless people.

Under the Rainbow was written by Catherine Campbell, Northern Irish author, mother of two severely disabled daughters who were among the first inpatients that the Children’s Hospice in Northern Ireland ever had. I found her story touching, her love for her daughters humbling and her example of dedication an example.

I do believe all these books found their way to me for a reason so soon after Georgie died. I would recommend them all to bereaved parents and parents struggling to make sense of pain and tragedy.

The Fault in Our Stars, Atlas Girl, Sunshine after the Storm, Under the Rainbow.

London City Airport has been running this very cool bloggers’ photography series, called #NoFilter, focusing on the raw beauty of various destinations in Europe(hence the #NoFilter). This month’s chosen destination is Switzerland, as I was delighted to find out and decided to join in. This post is my attempt to offer a still life of a majestically beautiful and vibrantly colourful country. I hope my photos will do it justice!

Switzerland is a very emotionally-charged place for me, full of beautiful memories and still unfulfilled travelling potential. Lausanne and a summer children’s camp was the place where I won my first earnings. Which were more like pocket money, in all honesty, and which I spent swiftly on a “chocolat chaud” imagining how life must look like through the eyes of proper posh ladies like the ones in the picture below :-). Switzerland is the place where hubby proposed to me! A shy, almost unkempt girl who started living her own fairytale lulled by the mirage of the lake Léman and Montreux jazzy tales. Switzerland is the place we spent our first holiday together as a married couple. Talk about skiing at its best (and worst, for me, as I am such a scaredy-cat when it comes to speed and losing balance and control!), fondue dinners and sore muscles for a whole week! Switzerland is the place we returned and conceived our daughter, for our second winter holiday! No wonder she is fierce like the Swiss kirsch, full of flavour like a Nestlé chocolate bar and melting our hearts like Gruyère cheese! Switzerland is where we took Emma, for a third winter holiday for us, when she was only a wee tot. She enjoyed getting acquainted with the authentic Swiss village life, petting cows and going for long walks and drives around the canton.Switzerland is where I would have loved to take Georgie and Emma on their first holiday as siblings. Georgie loved the nature and colours and life and would have enjoyed the beauty that Switzerland has to offer, I know he would, so much! I had walks up unexplored mountain paths, chocolate factory trips and cheese sampling sessions planned for them for the years to come. But if Becky and Graham, editors of the Global Grasshopper travel website, and judges of these entries decide this blog post is the best, then we will honour Georgie’s memory and will take a trip to Switzerland with him in our hearts. It won’t be the same, of course it won’t but it will be a way to celebrate the boy who loved life so much. By doing life in his memory, by making memories with him in our minds and hearts!

“Dear Mummy and Daddy,

I have so many things to tell you, I don’t even know where to start.

First of all, let me start by saying thank you!

Thank you for giving me a chance to experience the wonder of life on earth.

Yes, I know that you feel so very sad that you couldn’t have kept me longer and I know you would have given everything to have made me well, even your very own lives.

But let me tell you, the things you did for me, the love you poured continuously and sacrificially into my life, they were so powerful and strong and make up in quality for the time you think we should have been given. I know I was and am loved. Without any shadow of a doubt. What a precious, precious gift to hold on to, until I will see you again!

I know that you both struggle for answers. If you were here, seeing what I see and feeling what I feel, you would realise that these answers you pursue form not the essence nor the substance of life. Comprehension does not replace compassion nor love. You have the latter, in abundance, and one day you will understand with your hearts that these are the essential things.

I miss you both, of course I do. I am a soul but I was also a human being and that part of me will never be obliterated into forgetfulness. I did not get a chance to get old so my memories of you will always and forever stay fresh and beautiful.

I know that you knew me deeply, you knew who I really was. The pain did this for you, my pain. It took away all complacency and nothing we had was ever taken for granted.

And I do know you grieve so deeply the potential of what I could have become on earth.

But, mummy and daddy, I am fulfilled and I have fully reached my true potential here, where I am. The things I was really created for doing, I do! The person I was really created to be, I am!

I love you and Emma very much. I love to see how you have included me in your lives, even after my departure. I love the efforts you are putting into building me an earthly legacy. I love the way you keep me alive, in pictures and flowers and conversations. In land searches. In every thought and dream you have.

I will be watching over you. I am your guardian. The name Emma chose for me was not an accident nor a coincidence but it was the name I was destined to wear into everlasting. As you know so well, I loved (and still love) nature and everything (and everybody) around me. My love for you, my family, and for my Creator is solid and dependable. I was destined to be a George from my very first cell and into eternity.

I have received all your messages. Your tears, your whispered prayers, your longing, your balloons and soap bubbles.

And I am sending you thousands of kisses and hugs back; I am with you in the flutter of a butterfly, in the dance of a solitary snowflake, in the sweet smell of hot chocolate, in the caress of a song. In the fierceness of the storm, in the piercing coldness of the rain, in the heat of the summer sun.

I will be waiting for you by the gate.And cover you with kisses.

But until the time comes, please live for me and let me live in you. In your good deeds. In your love for each other and for the lonely. In the solitude of your sorrow and the quietness of your soul. Please live!

Love, Georgie.”