All posts tagged: Pain

Do you know…

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Do you know how close I am to the brink each and every day? Do you know how much it takes out of me, to act as if everything is okay? Do you know how my heart aches when I see your brand new boy? Do you know how far I feel from everything that will ever mean joy? Do you know how much courage it takes to choose to live every single day, When the alternative to stop breathing and wither away brings less disarray ? Do you know how your never tested faith reeks insult to my broken heart? Do you know how your reminders of heaven nail me to the ground? Do you know that it can never be enough, To have only one child with me, while the other’s shadow hangs over us? Do you know how hard it is to reveal my bruised heart to you, Knowing that, most likely, you do not have a clue? Do you know that my baby has been gone now 11 months, And that …

Reality check

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We have been living a lie, as a community of “believers.” We have become lazy in challenging the beliefs that are being shoved into us. We have trusted trends of Christianity and have put miles between us and the Truth. If we go back in history, church didn’t start from the need of a social club. From the need to “have a group to identify with.” To meet up once or twice a week and be nice to each other over a cup of tea and a lukewarm sermon. Church started out of pain. Pain of Jesus on the cross. Pain of children losing their families to persecution and lions. Pain of losing social status over following Jesus. Pain was always in the plan. This has been my revelation this weekend. Only the church grew out of pain. At some point, it actually started causing pain. Crusades and such. It never stopped after that. It took different shapes and it was called different names. And then, pain and death become associated with punishment, since it …

On grief, anger and pain

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It’s been two months since my baby died. I remember reading this post back in July, on the 5th, the day my baby died, and having no clue about grief. How could I have had? The numbness wore off. The numbness that followed the indescribable pain of watching my sweet son die. The baby that I longed for with fierceness, the boy who was so bright and was meant to become a doctor and save so many lives, according to his doting Bica. My mini me… And numbness was followed by anger and searing pain. In a chaotic and overwhelming melange of emotions and feelings. I have been angry. With everyone. With myself. With God. With Alex. With Emma. With people saying things. With people not saying things. With pregnant women. With women with babies. With people sending me shitty links meant to “guide” me through my grieving process. “Spiritual” links. With people staring dumb-folded when I say I lost my baby.  But do you know what has been the overwhelming feeling since the numbness …