Do you know how close I am to the brink each and every day?
Do you know how much it takes out of me,
to act as if everything is okay?
Do you know how my heart aches when I see your brand new boy?
Do you know how far I feel from everything that will ever mean joy?
Do you know how much courage it takes to choose to live every single day,
When the alternative to stop breathing and wither away brings less disarray ?
Do you know how your never tested faith reeks insult to my broken heart?
Do you know how your reminders of heaven nail me to the ground?
Do you know that it can never be enough,
To have only one child with me, while the other’s shadow hangs over us?
Do you know how hard it is to reveal my bruised heart to you,
Knowing that, most likely, you do not have a clue?
Do you know that my baby has been gone now 11 months,
And that I wish the time would hurry so we can have another hug?
Do you know that I have totally forgotten how to enjoy a sun ray?
How to genuinely smile without sadness following me like prey?
Do you know how it is to live empty of hope and trust and peace?
Do you know how ephemeral tranquility appears?
Do you know how heavy my load is and how
I choose to still love my dead child, despite the pain of now?
Do you know…and if you don’t…why do you stray,
Why do you choose to judge and never, ever stay,
To listen and to cry and to cuddle my pain?
To live it for a moment and keep the sadness at bay?
But do you know that then your advice will not matter, as I will find myself finally HOME.