Mama's Haven

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Life and hope

Published by Oana

I have been asked, again and again about when I will get back to writing. My succinct answer has always been: “When I will feel the liberty to write.”

You see, when life alters your duty as a parent is to shield and protect. Even when you feel like tearing through, you need to keep your priorities right and your head level.

But I have missed writing. I have missed my blog. I have missed bearing my soul as a cathartic process and allowing a faithful yet quiet audience to walk with me through the depths of re-finding myself.

So I thought I’d write an update. I need to thank all of you lot who kept reminding me to be me. Who re-read my blog posts on grief and found hope and healing. I need to thank the soul who recently discovered my blog and persistently asked when I will get back to it. To me, in the written and public version.

Emma and I are doing well. We have had two years of growth, of bonding, of rebuilding trust, of joy. Of building strong friendships with each other and with an amazingly supportive network of friends.

We have travelled. We have developed. We have had amazing adventures and made precious friendships that will last a lifetime. We have grown in understanding: of the world, of ourselves, of the human heart.

But I can hear you, the ones who can read through lines and emotions, the ones who have got to know me really well over the years.

But how are YOU?

I am well.

I truly am.

The decision I made, three years ago, to pull myself through the pain of losing my son and start living again? To use my experience in the children’s cancer ward and turn it into something useful? To use the compassion and love for the most vulnerable and translate it into action?

Those decisions have transformed my life.

I used that same determination to explore and to learn about myself. To explore possibilities that B.G. (before Georgie) would have been sheer and bold impossibilities.

I need to thank my all-enduring bestie and those two handful of truly faithful friends who have walked with me through disasters, laughs, messes, disappointments, disillusionment and then, the reborn hope. Always that hope for more and for the best.

I am entering a very exciting new chapter in my professional life, alongside and with the support of a crew of people who have got to know and, dare I say, love me. And I am grateful for every single kindness and opportunity to grow that I was given in the past year and a half.

And my hope keeps growing. For more. And for the best of times ahead. In all the areas of my life.

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Photo credit

It is here…

Published by Oana

I’ve run circles around it.

I’ve tried to ignore it.

I’ve tried to bury it under a pile of comedy shows, in packs of crisps and sweets I’ve been consuming in excess these past few weeks.

But oh, I know… I know it won’t go away unless I properly acknowledge it.

THE PAIN.

You see, this pain is not natural as natural has it.

It is not natural for a child to die before his parent so even now, four years on, my instinctive response is to push this pain away.

But I’ve learned that it will pounce on me then. Like a sneaky, vicious cat hiding in the shadows, it will come after me.

Unless…unless I go for it first.

Unless I drag it out of the shadows, expose it and my raw self to the light and say:

“I am broken.”

Four years ago, the most beautiful boy was born to me.

And oh, so many dreams with him.

But he was gone before any of those dreams took shape.

And from time to time, I have no choice than to sit down and let the pain break me.

He should be four tomorrow morning.

There should be candles and presents and cake and most importantly, a very excited little boy here.

Instead, there is a flood of sorrow. A wave of unanswered questions.

Instead of a four year old, I have four thousand thoughts I’ll never know the truth about.

Would you have been boisterous or quiet?

Adventurous or loving your mama’s skirts?

Would you have liked blue or green or both?

Would you have had a wicked sense of humour like your sister, a calm demenour like your Bicu or would you have liked a tidy home like your mama?

Would you still be into Peppa Pig or would you have liked a Paw Patrol birthday cake this year?

I have hated all those school reminders this year. I should have had a child to register this year but instead, I have a little blue box with a bit of ash in it. Because you were only tiny when you left.

I should have a proud daughter taking her brother into school in September but instead, we’ll do that walk just the two of us, as we always do.

I miss you, little dragonfly.

I hope where you are it’s always warm and sunny and there is only kindness and chocolate cake.

Happy fourth birthday, baby boy, I’d give the world to have you here with us but since I can’t, I’m sending you all my love and hope it reached you and warms your little heart.

Forgive my tears and sadness today. I’ll smile again tomorrow. For you. In your honour.

And I’ll live this life fiercely and fully, cause now I live for both of us.

Sweet Gifts for Her at Christmas

Published by Oana

Hotel Chocolat, the luxury chocolate brand, doesn’t need any introduction whatsoever. When it comes to flavoursome, created with the intention to spoil chocolate there are hardly any rivals on the market. Its excellent quality, the refined yet bold combinations point to a winner every single time. For the chocolate lover, it is the ultimate treat, the one we dream of when contemplating possible Christmas gifts. To our loved ones and let’s admit it, to ourselves!

We all know too well the haggard, lost expression men get when considering possible gifts for the special ladies in their lives. This Christmas I decided to show grace and spare possible meltdowns (on both sides of what could easily become a barricade, and not of love, mind you!) and point any lost (for ideas!) gentlemen in the right direction when it comes to the dreaded gifts for her.

And why would I suggest chocolate, I hear you ask?

Well, first of all, because chocolate is soothing to the senses. Hotel Chocolat have created a Christmas range which is appealing not only to the palate but also to the eye:

While the debate is still inconclusive over what scientists ascribed as the aphrodisiac qualities of chocolate, we all know the unadulterated, pure pleasure a box of chocolates can give. So my second and very logical reason for choosing chocolate as a viable Christmas gift option is the guaranteed joy it will bring!

And there is no excuse in not choosing chocolate on account of budgets either. Hotel Chocolat have a wide range of Christmas gift options for her, from the very decent Christmas hampers, starting at £25 (the chocolate and fizz option for me, pretty pleeeaze!) to the totally luxurious Signature Chocolate Cabinet which will satisfy any taste and desire she could possibly have! So, whether you have budgeted to totally spoil her this Christmas or want to include chocolate as a complimentary treat, there’s an option for every purse and every taste!

Well, did I convince you? Has my post been helpful? Has it saved you a possible dilemma or a fight with your loved one over inappropriate Christmas gifts? Let me know and, most importantly, don’t bypass Hotel Chocolat on your Christmas shopping trip these weeks. You won’t regret it!

Disclosure: the blog post was written in collaboration with the brand mentioned above and I have been compensated for my time and effort.

Girls’ Trip – Movie Review

Published by Oana

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Six months! I haven’t been blogging for six months!

So many things happened with us since. Good things.

Emma and myself have settled into our new home and have been making the most of our friendships, work and travels.

We were away in Romania last month and had an absolute ball seeing family and friends. I hope I’ll be able to squeeze in a post about it, joy can only be conveyed sometimes in pictures and we have tons of them from our visit home.

We have also settled into a visitation arrangement regarding Emma (with the intervention of patient and wise friends) so now, from time to time, this mama gets a bit of time to herself.

To gather her thoughts. To catch up with friends. To go watch a movie. To blog.

Tonight I went to watch Girls’ Trip. I had read loads of reviews about it, from ScreenCrush calling it “the filthiest and funniest comedy of the summer” and rating it 8/10 to The Times interpreting it as “a raunchy comedy that’s high on the raunch, but rather low on the comedy.”

My opinion of it?

Trashy, yes, and loads of foul language. A lot of sexually-laden conversations between the four female protagonists, which I found healthy, hilarious and embarrassing all in equal measure. You’ll get me only when you watch the grapefruit scene!

Copycat of previous versions of “women-let-loose” movies like Bridemaids?

Absolutely!

Still funny?

Totally.

Best scenes?

The zipline and the pee sprinklers, I won’t say more. The sausage chopping on live TV, to die for!

Moral of the movie (hard to use the word in relation to a movie that uses so much foul language!)?

Friendship can carry you through the worst of times and will help you stay true to yourself. Help and support from friends, be them foul-mouthed or distant at times, can help one change the course of one’s life. For the better.

If you have watched it, do drop a line and tell me what you thought of it all.

And thank you for stopping by, I hope my next post won’t take another six months to write!

Spring drives with Emma around Northern Ireland

Published by Oana

One more day and it will be spring, how very exciting!

Well, in the calendar, that is, at least, so this is a good time to start pondering on day trips we would be able to take now that the weather is a bit warmer.

Chill.ie have challenged me to come up with a list of #hiddendrives within Northern Ireland and although I’m not sure the things I have in mind are very secretive, they are still worth a visit at this time of the year.

We are members of the National Trust and a trip to Mount Stewart in spring is as close as you can come to heaven! The drive to Mount Stewart, located on the shores of Strangford Lough in County Down, takes only 30 minutes from Belfast and it is a lovely journey. Following a three year £8 million restoration programme, this 19th- century house has been significantly transformed, making it a must-see attraction on the island of Ireland.
In 2017, Mount Stewart will unveil the newly restored Central Hall floor and stunning Rome bedroom. There will be opportunities to see collections of international and national significance and one of the most significant silver displays in the Trust’s care. Exquisite family collections will be on show including works by Lawrence, Brock and Stubbs. Visitors will have the opportunity to explore this wonderful home at their leisure or by guided tour to learn more about the Londonderry family and the important role they played in local and international history.

This coming weekend Mount Stewart will celebrate the World Book Day and it will also see the official opening of The Magic Ink Pot play park so if you’re like us, fed up of being cooped up indoors, do use the opportunity and come out for some fun and exercise!

Another drive both Emma and I really enjoy is the Antrim Coast.

We live very close to Whitehead so it is really within our reach and the lighthouse walk is invigorating and offers some stunning views on a sunny day.

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Something I’d really love doing, once it opens again for the season, is The Gobbins cliff path walk. It is a bit steeper that the Whitehead one and consequently, only opened for grown ups. Again, it is really close to where we live and it is something I think I will enjoy with a friend.

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But the ultimate drive for this spring will be going to visit the North Coast and places we haven’t seen yet! We are both familiar with the Giant’s Causeway and the Carrick-A-Rede rope bridge and again, as members of the National Trust, we will be able to visit them at any point we desire but we haven’t yet visited the Dark Hedges and I do think Emma would enjoy a visit there this year. Visiting the North Coast requires a day trip and if you have the time, possibly an overnight stay, as there is so much to see and do!

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