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31 Days of Grief:Now


Today’s prompt is “now”as in “who am I now, after the loss of my baby boy?”

I am like a jewel, with many facets, this is who I am now. Depends on the facet you choose or you get to see.

To my husband, I may be only the bitchy wife who withholds sex because I am too tired. Too tired to go to a place of intimacy where At the moment I encounter only raw pain. Too tired to put others’ needs before my own. Too tired to play a role. Too tired to always feel like the failed part of the marriage, the one who doesn’t earn and is a burden and  a disappointment.

To my daughter, I am the rock. Sometimes at night, quite literally,the one she needs to squash into and lean on and feel close. The one who makes everything right again. The one who can never be “just” a human being, because I supposed to wear this SuperMummy cape and never take it off when she is around.

To my friends, support, encouragement and nuisance, in equal portions. Too big a mouth, too open a view, too loud a protest at times.

To my mum, forever a child, forever someone who needs protected and loved and nourished.

To my church, hopefully a blessing. 1236316_10152282958066512_2797188240144417435_n

To my son, hopefully a good memory. Forever a mummy. Forever there, loving him. Forever missing him. Forever longing to be reunited. Forever wounded by his absence.

To God, a warrior. Even when I don’t feel it. Even when all I feel like doing is climbing back into bed and giving up. Giving up on Him. On the hope of Him. On believing His precepts and in his love and in His sovereignty.

I am like a jewel, with many facets. Depends on the facet you choose to look at…

This entry was posted in: Parenting


Mum of one beautiful girl on earth and one sweet baby boy in heaven. Daughter of a wonderful woman. Wife of a very entrepreneurial man.


  1. Pingback: 31 Days of Grief | Mama's Haven

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