Comments 8

In the dumps

I felt it creep up, Christmas
Slowly saw it taking shape.

It grew in me from angry thoughts
Into Anger.

Then Sickness.
My body was running itself out.
Just like my soul was running itself empty.

Now, it is a big, heavy blanket of Sadness.
It has descended on my soul,
Into our home,
In our family.

Sadness is here to replace,
In an ugly and twisted way
The precious boy I have lost.

I cannot have another baby like this,
They say.
And they are so right.

Sadness bears more sadness
And a baby deserves joy.

But I do deserve joy too.
I do deserve my own miracle too.

There is no way out.
Just sadness, thick and heavy,
Filling out all the gaps.
Leaving no place to breathe,
Leaving no place to exist.

All I have ever wanted was “normal.”
Two point five children,
A home and a husband who loved me.
Was that so much to ask?
Was I so bad to deserve punishment,
And punishment to this degree?

Antenatal depression
Postnatal depression

The death of my dreams.

And now,

Now what????


This entry was posted in: Parenting


Mum to one beautiful girl on earth and one sweet baby boy in heaven. Privileged carer. Encourager and friend.


  1. Deborah the Closet Monster says

    Sending love. It’s so little, but … it’s what I’ve got.

  2. Damaris says

    Thank you for this poem Oana. It’s raw and beautiful like you. I’m sending you guys love down here. And I’m sending love to George up there.

  3. Becca says

    Dearest Oana We love you. In your sadness we love you. I know our love brings no comfort, but it is still a fact. Your brain can tell your heart you are deeply loved. I don’t know what else to say. HUGS

  4. maddy@writingbubble says

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Your poem is raw and heartbreaking. xxx

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