I have been told this so many times in the past few days. But I do not feel loved. I feel that our loss has made us stranger than a stranger to those who surround us. I am odd, a misfit, a foreigner, as in “a person not belonging to a particular place or group; an outsider.” When Georgie died, I wanted to make sense of his death. I wanted his death not to be in vain. I wanted his death to have a reason. To have an explanation. To lead to something noble. But then, I came face to face with the cruel reality. The reality is that death is not a subject we talk about as a society. It is a taboo. It is a nuisance. It is a too much in the face of comfort a subject. Death is classed as inappropriate in “civilised” conversation. Pick the weather, the seasonal trends or the pets. But not death. Never death. Death is not a comfortable subject, not even in church, not even in …

I felt it creep up, Christmas Slowly saw it taking shape. It grew in me from angry thoughts Into Anger. Then Sickness. My body was running itself out. Just like my soul was running itself empty. Now, it is a big, heavy blanket of Sadness. It has descended on my soul, Into our home, In our family. Sadness is here to replace, In an ugly and twisted way The precious boy I have lost. I cannot have another baby like this, They say. And they are so right. Sadness bears more sadness And a baby deserves joy. But I do deserve joy too. I do deserve my own miracle too. There is no way out. Just sadness, thick and heavy, Filling out all the gaps. Leaving no place to breathe, Leaving no place to exist. All I have ever wanted was “normal.” Two point five children, A home and a husband who loved me. Was that so much to ask? Was I so bad to deserve punishment, And punishment to this degree? Antenatal depression Postnatal …

Hubby is going through a health craze stage, once again. He has taken to posting pictures of his creations(and they are his, I kid you not, talking about creative men in the kitchen!!) so I decided to give him a voice here, on the blog. I will start with his oak cakes, he made them the other night and they are savory, to my taste and I can truthfully testify to them being absolutely yummy! Here are the ingredients and instructions for Alex’s Mediterranean Oat Cakes: 1. In a large bowl mix 300gr oak flakes, a teaspoon of oregano, a teaspoon of rosemary, a few chopped sun-dried tomatoes, chopped fresh basil and salt. 2. Pour in half a glass of oat milk and mix well. Add 2-3 scoops of milled flax, sunflower, pumpkin and sesame seeds, blend and chop a quarter of garlic clove. Squeeze in a teaspoon of lemon. Get your hands dirty and knead everything into dough. 3. Roll dough and cut out cakes using a glass. Place cakes in a pan, place …

I am really struggling to keep my chin up these days. It is hard to find any positives in the day when you have lost a precious child, you are battling a cold and the pressure to be “merry” has become almost palpable, with December knocking impatiently at the door! But in the midst of all the pain and rotten, bed-ridden days, we were offered (by two wonderful local charities who got to know us and have worked with us since Georgie died) tickets to two beautiful shows for Emma to enjoy: Disney on Ice at the Odyssey Arena in Belfast and Alladin, the pantomime, at the Grand Opera House. Here are some pictures of the very impressive shows: I have also been forcing myself to deck the house in Christmas attire and prepare the ground for Christmas, all for Emma’s sake. She is only 5 and it is not fair on her to have no Christmas celebrations nor joy just because we, as parents, feel like hiding away from the world until the 1st …