Mama's Haven

Latest Posts

31 Days of Grief:Now

Published by Oana

Today’s prompt is “now”as in “who am I now, after the loss of my baby boy?”

I am like a jewel, with many facets, this is who I am now. Depends on the facet you choose or you get to see.

To my husband, I may be only the bitchy wife who withholds sex because I am too tired. Too tired to go to a place of intimacy where At the moment I encounter only raw pain. Too tired to put others’ needs before my own. Too tired to play a role. Too tired to always feel like the failed part of the marriage, the one who doesn’t earn and is a burden and a disappointment.

To my daughter, I am the rock. Sometimes at night, quite literally,the one she needs to squash into and lean on and feel close. The one who makes everything right again. The one who can never be “just” a human being, because I supposed to wear this SuperMummy cape and never take it off when she is around.

To my friends, support, encouragement and nuisance, in equal portions. Too big a mouth, too open a view, too loud a protest at times.

To my mum, forever a child, forever someone who needs protected and loved and nourished.

To my church, hopefully a blessing.

To my son, hopefully a good memory. Forever a mummy. Forever there, loving him. Forever missing him. Forever longing to be reunited. Forever wounded by his absence.

To God, a warrior. Even when I don’t feel it. Even when all I feel like doing is climbing back into bed and giving up. Giving up on Him. On the hope of Him. On believing His precepts and in his love and in His sovereignty.

I am like a jewel, with many facets. Depends on the facet you choose to look at…

31 Days of Grief: Before

Published by Oana

The prompt for today from Capture Your Grief is “before” as in “who I was before Georgie died.”

I know that most parents who go through the unimaginable pain of losing a child talk of “before” and “after.” I am no different. I do refer events chronologically to that point in time, of course I do.

Has the death of my precious baby boy changed me?

Yes and no.

Yes, in the sense that I have lost all trace of innocence and belief in miracles. Life is what it is. Take it as it comes!

I have faced the greatest pain a parent can imagine.

I have witnessed the death of one of the people I held most dear in my heart, my son.

I have seen life depart his tiny beautiful frame and I am forever changed by that event.

I have no fear of death anymore.

I have no fear of anything, as a matter of fact. Because I know that whatever life will throw at us, I will survive it.

Yes, in the sense that I am now more determined than ever to live my life meaningfully and do anything that is in my power to relieve other people’s pain, anxiety or stress.

Yes, in the sense that everything has heightened in me, my senses, my love, my perceptions. Death does that to you. Allows you an insight you could never have had before.

But no, not in my deepest of deepests.

I am still a mummy who loves her children fiercely. Who wants to protect them and keep them close. Who wants them to be happy and well.

I still love my children, both of them. My love for Emma and Georgie will never die. It will exist in my soul forever and ever, long after my body will become dust. Because once love is given, love can never be taken away, especially the love of a mother!

Love you, Bubba Boo, Baby Blue. To the heaven and back. And way, way into eternity. My love for you is forever!

31 Days of Grief: Heart

Published by Oana

The prompt from Capture Your Grief today is heart. Who do I carry in my heart?

I carry the unfulfilled potential of a sister-brother relationship, like the one portrayed below. Emma loved Georgie so much and had waited so patiently for his arrival. Georgie was intrigued and admiring of his big sister.

The way I imagine their relationship would have developed of leukaemia hadn’t robbed us of our precious baby boy?

Emma is like wild fire, just like her mummy, at heart. Georgie was tranquil and patient. He would have balanced her emotions beautifully.

Emma appears very confident but has a lot of fears at the moment. Georgie would have been the silent but always there companion for her, following her everywhere and giving her, by his simple presence, the courage boost she needs. A silent encourager.

Emma huffs when she wants to get something. Georgie’s approach was smoother, he always got what he wanted with a smile.

I have only a few pictures of them together but this one is my favourite and portrays what I think would have been their sibling balance: Emma huffing, Georgie taking everything easy. Emma spent emotionally, Georgie trying to cheer her up.

I miss you, baby boy. In a million ways.

The way you would have been a brilliant wee brother is one of them.

Love you to the heavens and back, sweet face.

31 Days of Grief

Published by Oana

This is the link where I will be adding up my posts every day throughout the month of October. It will be a nice way of keeping my posts neat and myself accountable to myself. So, here goes:

Day 20: Breathe

Day 21: Relationship

Day 22: Self-care

Day 23: Inspiration

Day 24: Forgiveness

Day 25: Planting

Day 26: Healing

Day 27: Express

Day 28: Wisdom

Day 29: Reflect

Day 30: Intention

Day 31: Sunset

Capture your grief: Sunrise

Published by Oana

I am joining in two writing and photography projects this month.

One is Carly Marie’s Project To Heal and her challenge Capture Your Grief, the other one is Write 31 Days. I have decided to amalgamate the two and make my 31 days of writing challenge center on grief. Some days will be photography, some days writing, some days both. The picture below will become a button this week and you can join in, if you are a blogger and a bereaved parent.

Carly’s prompt for today is sunrise. I didn’t take this picture today. I took it back in July, weeks after Georgie dies. To me, it spoke of hope, even in the deepest and darkest of pains. That there will be a sunrise every day, that the world carries on and that one day, there will be only sunrises!